My dad

Not even sure I will be able to make it through this post, but I want to try. My father is dying. Right now, he is dying. He’s not expected to make it through the next hour.

I haven’t really talked online a ton about my father’s health, but it has been failing for a while. He was diagnosed with lung cancer sometime last year, and it’s been pretty much downhill from there. In the past few months, he has been in and out of the hospital and learned that the cancer had spread to his brain

When Noah was still in utero, my daily prayer was that he wouldn’t be born on the day my father died. That prayer was answered, but now the inevitable is on us, and I’m not sure that it hurts any less. I have an 11-day-old son who is dependent on me and Bobby for everything. My dad was diagnosed with an antibiotic resistant staph infection a while back, so seeing him is basically out of the question, even if I could muster the strength. Those of you who’ve had children know how those first few weeks are.

One of the more heartbreaking things in the past few weeks has been my mother recounting telling him she’d been to Tuscaloosa for Noah’s birth. He told her he needed to apologize to me because he’d promised to be here. I hope he knows I wasn’t mad at him. And that I feel the same about not being there for him as he’s moving from one life to the next.

I sent Amy, my oldest sister, a picture of Noah by text to show him so he could at least see his grandson. I wish I’d thought of it sooner because my mom said she wasn’t sure he even understood what it was. But, again, I can hope.

I’m so thankful for the time I got to spend with both my parents before my dad’s health declined too much, when he still knew me and was just as ornery as ever. I’m glad I was able to let him know how much I love him through my teary insistence that I wanted him to do everything he could to get well (specifically go to an inpatient rehab) so that he could be around to see his grandson grow up.

At the same time, that makes it tougher, because I really did care, despite not having been as close to him as I would’ve liked. Our relationship was complicated … too complicated for a blog post, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with some of its complexities.

Bobby, Noah and I may make the trip down this weekend. It’ll be hard for a number of reasons, but I really would like to be with my family during this time. It’ll be impossible not to think about my dad, but when I get sad, I simply try to imagine him sitting down with my Pawpaw and Granny, maybe with his friend Mac who passed better than 10 years ago, sharing a meal or sitting on the river’s edge, swapping tales of who caught the biggest fish here on earth.

I somehow think that’d be his version of heaven.

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8 responses to “My dad

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I can’t imagine dealing with that in the first few days of motherhood. You and your family are in my prayers.

  2. Misty,
    My heart breaks for you and your family. I’ve been on the receiving end of that dreaded phone call more times than one, expecting the phone to ring at any minute with sad news I didn’t want to hear. Please know that I am thinking of all of you during this time of sadness.

  3. Christina Moyer

    I just wanted to let you know my continued thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I’m so sorry.

  4. Misty,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I can only imagine how hard this time must be for you, not to mention all the raging new-mother hormones and emotions to top it off. I will be praying for you and your family.
    Blessings,
    Candace

  5. Misty, my heart breaks that you are going through such conflicting emotions at this time. I am praying for you and your family. Love, Lisa

  6. how did i miss this post?? i am praying for yall and love you!

  7. Misty, my heart goes out to you. Praying for you during this time.

  8. Pingback: Happy 2012! |

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