A moment in time (PPD update)

I stood over the garbage can, carrot in my left hand and vegetable peeler in my right. Hamburgers sizzled in the skillet, and beans rolled in boiling water on the stove.

In the nursery, Bobby was reading aloud to Noah, “Hey, come join the lot of us…” I’d heard Noah’s laughter just moments earlier and was glad they were having some time together. Noah’s been going through a clingy phase where he only wants me, and I know it’s been hard on Bobby, too.

“But not the armadillo,” Bobby reads.

And I sigh and think that this is just the way it should be. That life is good.

**************

Last week was a major emotional battle, the worst since I came off PPD meds.

For the first time, I seriously entertained the thought that I should just start taking the pills again.

And you know what? At the time it seemed like such a hard decision that it was paralyzing, but it would have been OK if I had needed to do that. At the same time, I’m proud of myself for sticking it out through several tough days and coming out on the other side feeling a little better.

I don’t really want to dwell on details, but I’m glad I’m past that for now. I suspect that’s not the last time I’ll feel an onslaught of negative emotions, but hopefully next time I will be better prepared for it.

I think it’s toughest on Bobby when I go through periods like that because he’s seen a glimpse of the old me shining through as I’ve come out of the haze of PPD/PPA. And I know a lot of times I take my anxiety out on him in some form (most often it’s being extremely short-tempered for no apparent reason). I’m really thankful that he’s here with me, willing to fight through it with me.

I also have to admit that I do wonder how to know if I really do need to go back on my meds. Last week I just kept telling myself I wanted to make it one more week, just to see if this funk was going to stick around. And it didn’t. But at what point do I say, “OK, this isn’t getting better on its own?”

It’s a little scary, I guess. I have a pretty sensitive husband, so I think his attentiveness will help. I just don’t want to go through the rest of my life with bouts of misery that last several days or a week followed by a few days of feeling semi-normal only to dip back down into a near-debilitating depression.

That probably sounds more hopeless than I feel, but like I said, last week was tough. I’m glad to have my head above the water again, though, and praying that I’ve passed the worst of it. Moments of contentment like the one I shared above give me hope that maybe I have.

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5 responses to “A moment in time (PPD update)

  1. I am so proud of you for making that step. It is so scary to let go of medications and to worry if the world will crumble around you.
    So proud.
    I turned bipolar so I will more than likely be on medications forever.
    But you can do this. You’ll know when you can’t handle it and need them again.

  2. heeeyy!!! you are doing awesome and yes, you know yourself and what is best and thats what you gotta do!! this may be TMI for a blog comment, but after I had AM, my hormones went WHACKO! In fact they still are. For 7 solid days a week before I start my cycle, I am crazy woman. Like depression, crazy thoughts, emotional, unable to function, put me in a padded room so I dont hurt myself, etc etc etc. This has been going on since AM was probably 6 months old but sure enough, like clockwork, 1 week before my period my body goes crazy. Like there have been some weeks that I am hanging on by a thread wondering if I will even make it to the next. ANYWAY, my prescribed me PPD meds but I didnt want to go on them since mine seemed to be cyclical. Instead my OB said that I could track it and 1 week before me getting depressed take the pills. Then the stuff would be in my system for the week that my hormones go crazy and it would help me even out. So, I say all of this to you as you are coming off of it because if you find that it is only at certain times of the month or if it gets where it is more trackable, then maybe you could do something similar to what my OB suggested for me…totally just a thought but since I was having some issues with this, I thought I would share 😀

    • Thanks, Lauren. I actually DO think it may be cyclical at this point, which is why I was so set on waiting it out for a week. But if this happens again next month, I may go ahead and talk to my doctor to see if there are some options for dealing with it.

  3. Or at least if it happens again at the same time next month you will know its a cycle…for some reason, it was easier to get through it for me knowing the light was at the end of the tunnel and just a few days away! love you hun!

  4. Cycle. Yes.
    As I know I’ve told you, I actually went on medication very late – after weaning my daughter at age 1. I don’t think I realized how hyper-anxious I’d become till I was on medication. NOW, I don’t know when to come off. I started back on the pill too, and that seems to help. BUT – last week, I forgot 3 in a row – that was a rough couple days. Now, I’m taking both pills at the same time! (duh, right?)
    Here’s the thing – I worry that if my ability to cope the stress of working motherhood & toddlerhood only come in that little bottle, how can I have another kid? As far as I know, you can’t take what I’m on (Celexa) while pregnant/BF-ing. My husband says he doesn’t want another anyway. I’ve never quite stopped suspecting that he just never got over how much I flipped!
    Thanks for keeping us posted. It’s really lovely to have you out here. 🙂

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